I met an old flame the other day, lets name her SH, and in my head the only person left I can hold a conversation to. Since N left, I had next to none to have the same intellectual interaction. To be honest, every time I see her, I can hear my heart shatters and I don’t know why. But seeing her doing fine, I should be fine too.
There are days when I do miss a certain someone. Though my memory sometimes fades, the heart remembers. I can’t remember what actually happen until I open my diary and then I will cry upon reading. So I kept my diary far away, its like opening a Pandora box and I don’t want to recall those feelings.
I made a funny and she laughed. It’s just the smile I want to remember. It feels great to have someone to talk to, and reconnect. Even if it is just a short time spent, it felt like hours. We took the train back and I just remember how nice it is to have company.
I known SH since 2008 and when we first met, was by chance. I remember how much I work to prove myself when we were in a relationship, as she was much older. When I was about to make it, our relationship took a toll. Days spent cheating on one another, my new founded insecurities proven, and till now I guess the feelings do linger. That’s why we stayed as friends but never more than that, no matter the circumstances. I find it great a sacrifice and I left it to my past.
And I just remembered how I fail in relationships, as I was never strong enough to hold onto one. The time invested was wasted once I ended it. Getting to know one was hard enough, getting to know a few and when it took months drag into years, I just realized I may forget about myself if I remember too much of them.
The influence took a great toll psychologically, physically and emotionally.
When two hearts combines, and both bodies work so well, yet the brain refuses to infuse, how can one see eye to eye? I witnessed myself going through so many times that now I refuse to have a relationship. Even friendship requires work.
I crumbled like biscuits, as if a piece of me have broken apart, and then I am the one scrambling to pick up the leftover. It’s when one got used and abused so much that one can become numb. So I tape my heart with caution and not wear it on my sleeve like any other lover would.
Talk about my past and got it used against me. I refused to talk about my failed relationship. How can I find another who actually gets me? I am a worrier, not a warrior. How many battles should I fight, in the name of love?