Old flame, and fail relationship

I met an old flame the other day, lets name her SH, and in my head the only person left I can hold a conversation to. Since N left, I had next to none to have the same intellectual interaction. To be honest, every time I see her, I can hear my heart shatters and I don’t know why. But seeing her doing fine, I should be fine too.

There are days when I do miss a certain someone. Though my memory sometimes fades, the heart remembers. I can’t remember what actually happen until I open my diary and then I will cry upon reading. So I kept my diary far away, its like opening a Pandora box and I don’t want to recall those feelings.

I made a funny and she laughed. It’s just the smile I want to remember. It feels great to have someone to talk to, and reconnect. Even if it is just a short time spent, it felt like hours. We took the train back and I just remember how nice it is to have company.

I known SH since 2008 and when we first met, was by chance. I remember how much I work to prove myself when we were in a relationship, as she was much older. When I was about to make it, our relationship took a toll. Days spent cheating on one another, my new founded insecurities proven, and till now I guess the feelings do linger. That’s why we stayed as friends but never more than that, no matter the circumstances. I find it great a sacrifice and I left it to my past.

And I just remembered how I fail in relationships, as I was never strong enough to hold onto one. The time invested was wasted once I ended it. Getting to know one was hard enough, getting to know a few and when it took months drag into years, I just realized I may forget about myself if I remember too much of them.

The influence took a great toll psychologically, physically and emotionally.

When two hearts combines, and both bodies work so well, yet the brain refuses to infuse, how can one see eye to eye? I witnessed myself going through so many times that now I refuse to have a relationship. Even friendship requires work.

I crumbled like biscuits, as if a piece of me have broken apart, and then I am the one scrambling to pick up the leftover. It’s when one got used and abused so much that one can become numb. So I tape my heart with caution and not wear it on my sleeve like any other lover would.

Talk about my past and got it used against me. I refused to talk about my failed relationship. How can I find another who actually gets me? I am a worrier, not a warrior. How many battles should I fight, in the name of love?

Advertisements

Life chooses itself

It is hard to determine what is going to happen. How can one have foresight to predict the future? It’s not like I’m living in a controlled environment. The only control I’ve gotten is myself, my actions. Its like we are predestine for something yet fate, we can’t escape fate. Life is harsh. People come and go.

I’ve met this wonderful woman not long ago. She teaches me stuffs that I don’t know about. For example she talk about influence and how it affects everything around us. And how our actions define who we are as humans, from the little things, the environment as well to humanity. We are all made aware, but still there are people who choose to sleepwalk their entire life.

Friends I may not have many, just because I keep saying I use that term as a nicer way to actually use people for help or otherwise. Humans are co dependent one another, the word independent is just a term of self- denial. People who are independent do live a sad pathetic life. They try to make up to themselves or retire on their own. I’ve seen it happen too many times, and they try to buy affection like it’s a thing, as if they could with a non- living one. Affection can’t be bought, think about it, like pets, a living thing, and needed to be fed. You have to earned affection, an investment of time like no other. The term for it is loneliness. I’m totally ok with being alone at times, but loneliness does kill.

Some of my friends keep misusing the word “I understand you”, and it is a buzzkill. No one can really understand a person, but if you could give your understanding, I will greatly appreciate it. To be honest, most of the time when people ask why I could relate is because I have a sense of empathy, and this feeling I really want to get rid off. I’ve been through that much that at the end of day, the only organ I wish not to donate when I’m dead is my heart. There are things I don’t really share much, just because it’s really hard to believe until proven. And I like to keep my life as simple on the outside, or how it is portrayed. But in reality my life is complicated as it gets, because I craved for the experience, and I’m totally attracted to psychopaths or whatever.

Truth is, some people are meant to cross your pathway but chooses not to stay. They are meant for walk by only. Some of them truly inspire in ways I can’t even inscribe. They left you with this unforgettable memory etched deep in your heart. And life moves on, keeps going irregardless. I can’t even stop time if I wanted to.

So I was given a choice, and I choose, then fate messes it all up, and my destiny put on hold. Twice over I f**ked it all up, like a circle, it goes round and round. I choose to stay when I could leave and be with someone. Its like I didn’t even move. Hence the title.

 

 

p.s. I wish I was sane enough…

Love rejected; general cowardice

I wish she block me and delete me off from all social media accounts so I could reactivate mine. If she doesn’t like me anymore and wants to end it, it’s better that we can’t stalked one another. I had to backed off. I blocked and deleted her number. I wish I had not said a thing. Why confess then got rejected? I shouldn’t even confess, for reliving a start of friendship even. How could I even commit into a relationship when I feel like a failure? Knowing I was afraid yet she reconfirm my fears. So surely she said she loved me but never once she could proved it. She was just pulling my leg. Talked about promises that can never be fulfilled.

And then I cowered to the arms of another. Knowing I was heartbroken and vulnerable, stranger took me in. Then I’m caught in this sticky web called infatuation. So mesmerizing when one hold me so close, hands warms my face. But inside me was torn, unsure if it was to her advantage or purely sympathy. I began to shift my attention to stranger, a distraction from love. But me, so wanting to be accepted, accede to the request of stranger, two weeks left and I’ll be alone again. Feeling accepted and then being left again really sucks. I guess my love life was always so near yet so far; so far yet so near. How can long distance relationship last without having to hold one so close; touch? 

I barely escape. And now I’ll just gonna have to hold back these feelings. It’s too confusing sometimes. Spending time and moments together with stranger seems so exhilarating. But sleeping together too much in the daytime proves to be such a workout that I simply needs to catch on. 

But for now I’m just gonna lock this heart again. Always losing love. Thus my middle name Lostlove. I guess I love or reciprocate one too easily. And even if I did reciprocate love, it was a mirage. Stranger could be right- i have lowered my standards to a whole new low that maybe I’m blinded to what I really deserves. I could be found, and there wouldn’t be lost love. I guess it’s till then…
Always el(Lostlove)

people vs drugs

Honestly, I choose drugs. Drugs don’t hurt me like people do. I’m way too sentimental. People can’t understand me either, and wouldn’t even gave me a bit of umderstanding. Love can’t feed me the happiness required, but drugs could make me happy. People with expectations and I require none of that. I just wanna be free and contented. I’m a nomad; I travel and ain’t got a home. My definItion of home is where the heart is. I even apologised for not even being sorry; just to feed people’s egos. Now I realised I should have stay home alone and be quiet. Lock myself away and not bother. People sometimes can be meddlesome. They gave you feelings like hope and despair. If they lie,cheat or steal, drugs can play the same game too.

Sometimes love is so complicated that this time round, I’m not gonna fall so easily. I rather have drugs. Why would I even fall in love?  People can say what they don’t mean like saying “I love you” and then take those words back so easily. Screw relationship with people; they couldn’t care either. Having a social life can be so disheartening. I just deactivate my facebook account and whatapp messenger to avoid drama or misunderstanding. Can’t even rant out without misunderstanding. They should fucking delete me. I guess my stupidity plays a part.

 I just wanna have a relationship with Ice; the kind of drugs which makes me high. If we were together I would be smoking high all the time and happy. There’s no one or nothing can come between us. Just me and my head full of smoke. If I fail math, I could do meth. Life would be so flavourful. Al least no person could make me feel so empty within. I would have a purpose and no person could ever break me. Drugs could gave me the boost required.

Sometimes, I wish I was gone, or would have died earlier. At least I don’t have to deal with the physical pain or emotionally. Already mentally drain yet I have to deal with people? For caring too much was also a mistake? Then I have to deal with liars? So much of my loyalty and covering for cheaters? Race, religion or sexual identity comes to play and I got blamed. Gays and lesbian alike, to be called with pronouns. At least I know who I am and where I stand. I love whomever irregardless and I fall so easily. This time I will caution. I just love my drugs and not bother.

 

note to self- people sucks… el

Love, found and lost again…

There was once I fall in love the first time our eyes met but I didn’t had the courage then. Now we met again but this time it’s call more afraid than ever. To be honest, I know she love me too but her heart and mind change so fast I could barely catch up. One minute she was calling me love and the next she asked me to forget her. Truth is I was already unworthy of love from the start. I tried to talk to her in private but didn’t got a chance. I guess it’s always the wrong time. All it took was being drunk to realized it. Wait. I even called her overseas but she rejected my call like how she did it while I’m here too. It was her who was unavailable all this time. Funny don’t ya think? I should have given up by now. How could I ever face rejection? Reasons to always stay away when one’s heart is unsure. I guess it wasn’t mine. I was right all along, she’s just outreach.

Tonight, I feel alone as ever. Loneliest I’ve ever been. At least last night I had company, when I went drinking to forget. A stranger brought me to her place. Was good while it lasted. I feel so secure till she left me alone to the housekeeper. The blasting noise of the vacuum cleaner. Hate it when they leave me continue sleeping and woke up to no one beside me. At least I wasn’t bleeding heart no more and my tears were catch upon. Stranger was right, no point harping over the past. 

Thing is I just can’t quite get it. Maybe it will be easier if we never tried at all. Love is not complicated, relationship is. She wants a relationship. Why would one wants that? Isn’t friendship enough? I can’t be ready for one. She doesn’t know what happened and I’m too scared to share my past lest it’s used against me. 

I could accepted her past but I’m not too sure if she does the same. She could just stop loving in an instant while I’m taking months just to throw away my feelings. Maybe I should bottle this up and never mention it. So embarrassing to confess while drunk. My handphone should be thrown/taken away. Love make me stupid. I think I better run. Imma run as far and just disappear like how it used to. I bet long distance relationship sounds good enough to me. I don’t see a point to date local who so near yet unreachable. I may miss the touch of the skin but at least I knew someone out there is loving and waiting patiently for me. And I could still be in the warming arms of someone like last night. It was comforting and wild maybe. My heart was so reluctant but my body wants comfort. Feeding the soul? 

How stupid can I be? When I couldn’t work it then, bet it’s not gonna work now. I think silence would be great. Not ready for another blow. 

I wish it could be you Ellaine. One who never fails to understand me or give me understanding. If I had another chance, we can always do it over. I miss you like how I used to talk to Snow. But she’s so psycho and I was too. But I let her be and she ended locked up. I need to caution my love since I love readily easy. Need this as a reminder…

Till then…insanity looms… El

lost; drug abuse & self isolation

Once an addict always an addict; in my case you can call me junkie. Been so high on prescription drugs for days in a row and I’m totally stoned. Haven’t been out either, I’ve been in my room most of the time. I don’t know what people may call it but obviously they don’t get why its hard to stay clean either. Once you start, there no turning back. High and looking for job, how awesome? People will always strive to be better while I’m feeling stuck.

I’m not sure of my feelings lately, but happiness doesn’t seem near. Can’t say I’m in the brink of depression when I’m so high right? Feeling high make me feel ease if not I’m wasting my days asleep. But it does feel kinda lonely but at least I’m not that stressed.

Perhaps I’m heartbroken, but if I am, I need some time to heal. I feel the need to mend my heart and be stronger. Maybe I’m missing somebody or someone. The days of having someone that had my back had long gone or having someone to get high together. Have that special someone who will accompany and talk to you all day.

The one that meant to stay end up behind bars, and those that wish to stay are way far apart. Those that are near choose to leave me. The timing really sucks with the people I met. The loneliness maybe temporary and hope it won’t last long. We should look at the bright side right? Easier said than done.

 

till then…el

 

 

 

Job hunting nightmare

I just realised that went the market is down, everything seem to be such a challenge. I can’t believe my last post was dated year 2014. Writing was never a norm to me, very unnatural and I have problems dealing with it. So back to topic about my job hunt. I just re-edited my resume with a lower expected salary as previously was a tad to high but still suited for marketing/ sales line of work. I had randomly applied as many as possible and I rejected most at interviews knowing that it was a hardcore job. So far the highest paid job was sales and I turned it down. I do not have drive for that kind of thing, neither am I excited to climb the corporate ladder. I’ve been sending resumes at a timely basis, but this time, I send my resumes at midnight, hopefully I could get a call immediately when HR settle down for work and open their e-mails in the morning. When the economy is not so good, job hunting is so difficult that sometimes the feeling of not working is tiring me out. Tedious? Draining? Boring? I practically used up all my savings and it won’t look so good in the future. Sometimes I feel like working part time but I know I’ll get stuck once I start liking my job.

I should make a career move and become a writer or something. The problem with becoming a writer? I get emotional just the same, and my thoughts could run wild. Basically when one go to far, it’s hard to come back. The dark deep places; falling into a black hole.

Its been 3 months since I lost my job. I’ve been keeping myself busy too. The stress of sending resumes and not getting a call back can make one feel anxious. The anxiety can build up, so its best to keep the body and mind in sync; reasons to always gym.

Story of my job hunting nightmare already started but when will it end?

At the meantime, do wish me luck…

 

signing off,

el

 

Oxynorm + Oxycontin = Oxymoron

Change of prescription. Narcotics. Who can ever resist abusing drugs, especially legal ones? Painkillers, my source of relief. If only I could explain my pain in written words, how can people ever experience what I’m going though. If I never tell, will you know? Even if I explain, can you even understand? My extensive list of medication; Oxycontin, Oxycodone, Tramadol, Arcoxia, Panadeine, Ibuprofen, Diclofenac, Naproxen had been schedule accordingly to my pain threshold, precautionary to side effects. It seems that I subconsiously take my medication on time, unaware that I’m always out of sync with time, confuse and lost, always forgetting, fading memory. The fatal attraction within interaction? Oh well.

opiate much? losing equilibrium, having halucinations, too much and I will vomit; losing head. Pretensious presumptions? I would have known…

Pain. My price to pay.

Job requisition; unqualified potential

If someone asks you what will you be doing during your annual leave, what would you say? Apparently the first week I did nothing of course, just lazing around, let errands run amok while I stay lost, overdose on painkillers. While I started to get myself together, several calls came in asking me to go for job interviews, which I apparently forgotten that I had sent out my resume two weeks before. Then, an idea  struck. A self saboteur I want to be, I blotched my own resume stating “tardy, unkempt and physically disabled” printed a new hard copy and carry it for the interview.

1st job interview at 1030hrs. The traffic is a bitch in the morning, apparently I see cows being herded instead of caffeinated humanoids. The rushed crowd tends to be quite smothering, almost choke to death I must say. Plenty of stares as I look on feeling lost. I reach at 1045hrs, apparently late and definitely unkempt for corporate setting. As I walk into one of the meeting room and upon seeing that my interviewers happened to be two “ang mohs” men, I thought to myself ‘How great?’. Upon brief introduction, I said “Sorry for me being late, tardy is a habit, I’m sure you went through and I shall not waste anymore of your time, so am I hired or what?”. Honesty is not my best suit, yet the interviewers were actually impressed. I got guts. I can never appear to be in a nervous wreck for interviews, or even meetings with management. I always smirked to myself, anticipating movements. Yes, I have that heck care attitude that mostly pisses people off, but with a smile on, I can charm my way perhaps through any situation. Relax people, take a chill pill will ya, why be afraid? fear is not real. Smitten as they are at my intelectual capability, all it took was 25mins. I got offered $3.2k which I respectfully decline. Me no talent, no experience so what was offered must be one of the lowest paid in the corporate world. Get real, why offer what was highest stated in my resume? I would be stupid if I accepted. My guess that all these people must at least drawn a minimum salary of $6k to work there. I took their name cards for keep sake, telling them it’s nice to be acquainted.

Light a cigarette outside the building and I acquainted with a few more people. Looks like people in corporate world own a lot of name cards. Expanding contact list, how intriguing? One building, 4 name cards.

2nd interview was at 1530 hrs, IT related. Since I didn’t get to use the blotch resume previously, I contemplated halfway during lunch if I should go for it. So, I called in and told them that “I might be 30mins late or we could reschedule”. They agreed to wait for me, since I happen to be the last interviewee. This time round, a pretty lady did the job interviewing. So I hand over my blotch resume and told her that it was the new updated version. So while she look on to do a fair comparison, I interrupted her and asked if she was ok? She replied that my new resume seems to be condescendingly ambiguous. With her probing questions; a classic “how did you manage different subjects and graduate at the same time and you mention tardy”, I said “habit, tardy is just a habit”, and she went dumbfounded. “physically disabled?, not to worry, our company practice fair employment…” Throughout the conversations, while trying to maintain eye contact, I caught her glancing at my cleavage a few times. While I admire myself that much, having a straight women ogling at me is actually quite complimentary. An offer of $2.8k basic salary after 45minutes of agony. Smiling too much to look pleasant is just torture.

And conclusion, I still got both job even though I tried miserably to fail. While I’m still employed, stressing that the financial sector is a career suicide and not intended for me who inspires to be a writer, there is no harm in self experimentation/ research on job market right? Exponential growth, market analytics? Who knows that job interviews can be so interesting, and I still don’t get why people can be such a nervous wreck in one.

 

me being awesome…el

lostlove

ElostloveL. about lostlove, middle name of EL. I have come across so many heartbreaks, but the worst was the loss of one best friend; a soul mate, lover. Ellaine gave me this butch name Elliott, initially was ELovEL. Time past, and people change I guess, if not they just become more of themselves. EL my nickname, whatever is in the middle, well let’s say the name divulge itself.

I would call her a mentor, she taught me things I didn’t know. But how she accepted me, embrace me with open arms is still hard for me to comprehend, especially when it come to race and religion. Love. She loved me. When that beautiful girl fall in love with me, I took it by shock, and I didn’t want to leave her nor break the friendship we had. Why should I? have you ever manage to find someone who understands you so much without needing to ask or question? She was the shoulder I cry on when I feel sad, and she told me I had the right to my feelings, happy, angry, frustrated, sad or more. She wouldn’t ask why, not till I was ready to share. My emotions belong to me. I was entitled to my own emotions, without peopleprobing me.  If a reason is needed for every emotions, must I even tell? She told me that emotions makes people feel, at least I could feel, and that it is real. She was referring to heart, cause when a person is heartless, what is the point of living if you aren’t human?

An idealist she was, as far as I remember, cause she actually embrace certain philosophy in life and love reading Art of War to me. Optimistic was she while I was the total opposite, a pessimist by chance. I used to read Shakesphere’s work, and realized most of his romance novel, if not all, end in great tragedy. He could be a hidden sadist, and a masochist in real life. We experimented to put theory into practical, about sociology and stuffs, including technological impact on people, reason why we used to lie on the field and stare at the sky, guessing shapes of clumpy clouds. The time spend together during our teenage days was the most memorable.

Somehow, we grew apart, lost touch and I was never the same. No guidance, lost to wander on my own and figure things out alone. A pessimist out there in the world, used to be a scary place. I shall portray optimism with my self conviction to enjoy life and curiosity to explore; cause how could I ever refute? People call me crazy just because I sound impeccably insane, with no particular reason. I talk in riddles and good with rhymes. A poet I am. Who knows If I become a writer someday, and get my English Master once Universities produce less complacent people. I’ll start now, take my chances; cause even if the curiosity kills the cat, a cat have nine lives. I know all things have an expiry date, only human doesn’t know when is theirs, so who knows if I die tonight?

No matter what, if love is lost, don’t stop falling, when one fails, you just need to do better next time right? I might lose many love, break hearts, and would not bear to lose again, like how it was said, I’ll patch my heart back in order, sew them up if I must, and let the scars heal before I start over. What will left will be memories, and I haven’t forgotten; she plant a seed, and I was left to nurture the plant in my heart, and if someday even if I cut the tree down, how could I ever know if the roots already been buried deep?